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Joke thread....

S

Snags

Guest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body."
He did not say " Eat me" .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


:)
 

Mathieu Rainville

Les Paul Forum Member
Joined
Nov 8, 2002
Messages
1,896
:lol2

A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works.

"Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?"

"No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."
 
S

Snags

Guest
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is white, plastic, and a danger to kids- the other is for carrying your groceries.

_______________


How many folk musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four- one to screw it in, and three to complain that it's electric.

________________

A fellow who had been cheating on his wife for quite some time had always managed to get home before her (as he always met his girlfriend on the nights when she was at her friend's house playing bridge). This time though, he knew he would be caught.

He pulled up in his car, rubbed talcum powder all over his hands, then headed towards the front door. Sure enough, there at the door tapping her foot, was his angry wife.

"Where have you been?", she demanded.

He looked at her, bowed his head, and said:

"I am not going to lie to you. I have been out with my beautiful secretary. We had wild sex four times before I realised how late it was and tried to race home before you got here. I have been doing this for nearly six months. She is beautiful! She is crazy about me. She listens and never bitches. I intend to keep sleeping with her and I treat her way better than you."

The wife grabbed his arms. Looked at his hands. Then whacked him.

"You liar! You've been out bowling again!"

____________

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, erased it and then proceeded with the dayís lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous dayís word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
 

Johnnytone

Les Paul Forum Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2001
Messages
3,648
Two peanuts were walking down the street

one was assaulted

badabing!
 

AtomEve

Les Paul Forum Member
Joined
Aug 5, 2002
Messages
4,666
A guy goes into a bar....he meets a beautiful young lady who after several drinks tells him that she will do anything for him for $400 if he says it in three words.....










.........after some thought the guy says.......





OK, Paint my house. :lolspin
 

DvnLesPaul

All Access/Backstage Pass
Joined
Sep 17, 2002
Messages
816
Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so

Pappy told her "Susie gal,
you'll have to find a 'nuther
I'd just as soon yer Ma don't know
But Joe is half your brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will
But after tellin Pappy this
He said "There's trouble still"

You cain't marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell your mother
But Will and Joe and several 'mo
I know is yo' half brother"

But Mama knew and said "My child,
just do what makes you happy
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy!"
 

Cody

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2002
Messages
4,494
DvnLesPaul said:
But Mama knew and said "My child,
just do what makes you happy
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy!"
:lolspin :lolspin
 

Big Dog

All Access/Backstage Pass
Joined
Mar 10, 2003
Messages
467
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a
large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
 

pauldeluxe

All Access/Backstage Pass
Joined
Jul 15, 2001
Messages
2,572
Two really old men were walking down the street and came upon a frog. To their amazement, the frog spoke. "Psst. If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and give you the best sex you've ever had."

One old man picks up the frog, sticks it in his pocket, and keeps walking. The other old man catches up to him and says, "Are you crazy? Kiss the frog and have the best sex of your life!"

The other old man says, "Nah, at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

:lol2
 

willy1

New member
Joined
May 3, 2002
Messages
274
Big Dog said:
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a
large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

:dude Sweet


Q: What's brown and sticky?

































A: A stick.

Thank you, I'll be here all week.:lol2 :dead:
 
S

Snags

Guest
Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in London, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to
any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm", said the ladies. "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" said the omen.

"Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" and up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have igh paying jobs, love Kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong Romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.



Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please."

:)
 

Mathieu Rainville

Les Paul Forum Member
Joined
Nov 8, 2002
Messages
1,896
Between 6:30 and 6:45

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
 

Mathieu Rainville

Les Paul Forum Member
Joined
Nov 8, 2002
Messages
1,896
Bless me father..

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that shit eatin grin off your face."


:lol2
 
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