On a lighter note? Jokes.

[Allen Collins]

None of these contain what overly "PC" people may regard as comments that are racist. Would it be OK to post Backstage about the humour that can be found in the way some people might on occasion pronounce words? Say Prince Charles sounding to say "Ears" when he says "Yes"? Can we laugh at such things without offending others?
Can we sail close to the wind a little now and then??:hmm

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
__________________

 

[cherrick]

Take my wife, please.

 

[Sterling1]

You know why men die before thier wives?













Because they want too.

 

[Allen Collins]

Thanks you guys!
We have kicked off this thread.

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had
been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

 

[Allen Collins]

Re: On a lighter note? Jokes. Lets try for the longest joke thread ever on the LPF.

Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon..

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten

 

[Wiggy]

I posted this one here several years ago...................



Dear Abby

I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and
kids, great job, and great education.
When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying
my favorite pastime -- bass fishing.
I've got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me,
but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait &Tackle Shop,
I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing;
she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.

Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead, she says she
doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby
or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
A fisherman

PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.

 

[Allen Collins]

On their honeymoon night, the groom took off his pants and asked
his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.

She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," said the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the
one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try them on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your
attitude." she said.

 

[DANELECTRO]

"I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say, 'How about a little?' She always pretends to be asleep."

 

[DANELECTRO]

 

[DoubleBoogie]

Hilarious!!!! Some killer stuff in this thread! :rofl

 

[MikeScalf]

 

[Seoighs]

...in dreadful taste, but...

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a Substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick.

When Johnny gets to his desk the Substitute asks him if he remembers her name.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

 

[Sterling1]

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

 

[Allen Collins]

:lol How many homes is that a fact? :ha

 

[Heritage 80]

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.

"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

 

[Jim Barth]

:rofl

 

[Seoighs]

...more tasteless still...

A woman was in a deep coma. She had been in the same condition for months.

Attendants were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

The Head Nurse went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.

The husband was skeptical, but was assured that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The Nurses ran back into the room 'What happened!?' she cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

 

[Seoighs]

Whaling on the High Seas

A pair of whales, a male and his mate were swimming along one day when they came upon a whaling vessel.

M: ''Oh shit!''
F: ''What is it?''
M: ''That's the ship that killed my father when I was a young whale and took him away!''
F: ''Oh that is fucked up!''
M: ''Hey listen, I got an idea. Let's surface, suck in all the air that we can and dive down under the boat. Then we'll blow it all out at once and tip it over!''
F: ''OK let's.''

So they both surfaced, sucked in all the air that they could hold, dived down underneath the boat and blew it all out as hard as they could.

Sure enough the boat capsized and all the sailors ended up in the water.

The two were swimming away and looking back at the men frantically splashing around in the water.

M: ''Haha, that was pretty kool!''
F: ''Yeah, that was kool.''
M: "Hey I got another idea! Let's go back there and eat those motherfuckers!''
F: ''OK look, I agreed to the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!''